Disciplining without distress

Most parents today understand the complexities involved with disciplining their children, complexities that didn’t exist in previous generations; once upon a time, a parent’s biggest fear lay in determining how far their kids could roam in a given street or playground.

Today, children are more interested in surfing the internet than jumping about in the sandbox. And the World Wide Web is a playground far too large for any parent to truly control or even supervise.

Consider the fact that children as young as four have greater access to the world than you ever did within that age bracket; and this world that they are choosing to interact with can just as easily reach out to them.

When it comes to exerting a sense of control over their child’s access to the world, it is essential that parents take the time craft strong bonds with their children at an early age, if only to acquire that coveted role of trusted advisor, a role that can prove crucial when it comes to issues of discipline.

Disciplining Without Distress

Discipline as it was known in earlier generation has lost its relevance today; traditional methods are most likely to destroy any influence you might have over those children who might need your guidance.

Discipline today is less about harsh punishments for wrong doings and more about prevention; reactive punishments might deter children from repeating negative habits but they will not nurture alternative habits.

Parents are often so engrossed with inundating their child with directives that they never consider their child’s inability to retain all those orders and commands about behavior in polite society; there is also an element of emotion to consider. A number of parent today know enough to avoid confronting their children while they are still overwhelmed by anger.

Taking the time to calm your emotions will allow you to bring a level head to a situation, ensuing that you not only tackle your child’s negative behavior but the emotions which might be involved. If your child responds to your prohibitions by kicking and screaming, it would be in your best interests to prioritize the emotions behind this reaction as opposed to simply chastising the actions.

Some professionals have suggested permitting your child to have their outbursts, and only once they have calmed down should you then attempt to make them understand the negativity of their actions. Most children will follow your will if you command them, no matter their beliefs or feelings on any given matter. However that isn’t likely to bring about transformation.

Understanding your child’s emotions and including them in finding solutions for expressing their frustration in a less destructive manner will allow both of you to progress with regards to understanding one another, even while building a powerful foundation for your relationship.

Of course, you have to keep in mind that it is within a child’s nature to act up; and in some cases, the onus might be on you to increase your tolerance for their actions, so long as they are not being violent or destructive.

On the whole, expressing your frustration through a display of anger such as yelling is discouraged; after all you are doing the exact things you have chastised your child about. Try to model behavior that you would like your children to imitate. Show them that one can feel exasperated but remain calm. You are more likely to bring about a change in behavior this way.

Disciplining without distress

04:33

10 Alternative ways to teach your child a lesson

It's pretty unfortunate that over the years, the word 'discipline' has undergone complete modification from 'to teach' to 'to punish'. Now, there's a significant difference between teaching and punishing. The consequences of punishing a child to teach them a lesson and follow discipline can be quite detrimental in the long run. 

In trying to teach children discipline, many parents and schoolteachers opt for punishments like spanking the child, making the child stand outside and various others. What needs to be understood here is that children misbehave when they feel powerless and discouraged. By punishing them in an overpowering manner so that they feel bad about themselves in reality only lowers the child's self-esteem, which can have deleterious effects in a child's mentality. Spanking can be very humiliating for children, and can cause aggression, resentment, anger as well as physical harm, and more often than not does not teach the lesson that the parent is trying to convey. 

Here I am providing 10 tips to teach your child a lesson without hitting or spanking them

1) Expect your child to behave as per his or her age: A toddler can't sit in a place for too long, so don't expect them to behave properly in restaurants, cinema halls and other public places.

2) Use of timeouts: Timeouts have long been regarded as effective measures to make children calm down in their initial years when they undergo extreme of emotions. If you see your child frequently whining, hitting, biting and not acting up properly, take a timer and ask them to sit at a place for a short time as per their age. 

3) Stay positive and stay calm yourself: If being a parent you lose your cool in every matter regarding your child, what do you expect your child to do ? Even if you are angry or frustrated at your child's behavior, try to control yourself and handle such situations calmly.

4) Some basic practices need to be taught at a very young age: You need to teach your child practices like brushing teeth and bathing properly at a very early age. Then slowly, give them more responsibilities so they starts doing the things on their own. Similarly, try to teach them good mannerisms like saying 'Thank You', taking care of their belongings, doing the homework given in school in time for their overall development.

5) Reasonable punishments like removing a toy: If your child is fighting over a toy, using it inappropriately or throwing and banging it everywhere, remove that toy from your child's playbox and tell them that they get the toy only if they play with it properly. You can also try putting it in a separate restricted playbox, where your child only gets it once a week or so till he or she learns to play with it properly.

6) Empathize and understand your child: A child generally does not misbehave without any reason. They might have a very good reason for it. Try to understand your child's situation and help them solve the issue that is bothering them so much. This is especially very important during a child's school years and more so during adolescence. 

7) Unmet and unfulfilled needs or desires can lead to misbehavior: Observe what your child wants and needs. Does he need more time with you ? Is he unable to make friends ? Does he need more sleep ? Address such situations and you will get the possible solution to your child's misbehavior.

8) Try to handle a situation of power struggle properly: Your daughter is screaming hard for cookies because she thinks that by screaming you will give in. In such a situation, try to not get into 'fight mode' and scream at them back like 'No you are not getting any cookies !!' Rather, try to say 'We don't have cookies at home' or provide them with alternatives.

9) Spend more time with your child: You are a busy man and don't have much time for your child who comes to you and demands to play with you. So you tell your child that you can't because you are too busy. That's not the way to go. Every child needs that special moment with their parents, whether it be playing with them or telling them stories before sleeping or the ever-so-favorite pillow fight. Try to give at least half an hour a day to devote yourself for your child everyday.

10) Don't think it's too late to teach your child some values: Try to forgive yourself if you think your behavior has damaged your child for life. It's never too late to make your child understand what is right and what is wrong. You will get your chances. Try to grab them when they do come.

10 Alternative ways to teach your child a lesson

04:32

Kenya shines in World Travel Award

The Kenyan tourism industry that was recently rocked by terrorist threats have received a welcome boost by winning nine prestigious awards at the World Travel Awards ceremony held in Seychelles this weekend. 

The 22nd travel industry awards, often referred as the 'oscars' equivalent in this category was held at the Kempinski resort in Seychelles and attended by many of the top players of the tourism industry.

The Maasai Mara National Reserve in the Narok County was voted Africa's leading national park, overcoming Tanzania's Serengeti National Park, South Africa's Kruger National Park.

The Maasai Mara National Reserve, famous for its large population of Maasai lions, Tanzanian cheetahs and African leopards and the annual migration of the Thomson's gazelle, zebra and wildebeest to and from the contiguous Serengeti National Park every year has been a popular attraction among wildlife enthusiasts and adventure lovers and the award will only increase its popularity.


For the fourth time consecutively, the Kenya Travel board has emerged as the leading tourism board in Africa in the WTA and came only a week after the British government removed the travel ban against visiting some parts of Kenya coast, including Kwale, Mombasa and Kilifi countries. The managing director of the Kenya Travel board, Muriithi Ndegwathe welcomed the award and dedicated the board's success to the support and staff from the ministry as well as private sector.

Tourism Principal Secretary Ibrahim Mohammed, after receiving the awards hailed the day as a great one for Kenyan tourism as many of its tourism firms, hotels, lodges received top awards in the ceremony and said that the sterling performances by the industry will help in establishing the country’s brand equity in the world.


The Diani Beach, located in the Kwale County was voted Africa's leading beach destination again. The stunning white sandy beach, no less than a topical paradise received the award by beating South Africa's Cape Town and Egypt's Sharm el-Sheikh.


Moreover, the Mombasa port was voted as Africa's leading cruise port after overcoming stiff competition from Cape Town, Port Elizabeth and Durban, all of them from South Africa. Kenya Airways, the national carrier was selected Africa's leading airline in Business Class category. The other airlines in reckoning were Egypt Air, South African Airways, and Ethiopian Airlines. Also, the Twiga Tours won both Africa's responsible tourism company and Africa's leading luxury safari company awards.


Apart from these, the Diani Reef Resort and Spa, and the Finch Hattons were voted as Africa's leading spa resort and Africa's leading safari lodge respectively. Sanctuary Olonana was voted as Africa's leading Eco-Lodge.


The Nairobi Serena triumphed as Africa's leading business hotel and was ranked Africa's green hotel after competing with Phantom Eco-reserve of South Africa and Hilton Hurghuda Plaza of Egypt.

Kenya shines in World Travel Award

04:47 Entertainment

Could it be illegal for parents to spank their kids in Kenya?

It could be illegal for parents to spank their kids in Kenya while most of our population is unaware of the developments.
By January 2015, 46 countries the world over had abolished all forms of corporal punishment of children both at home and in schools and Kenya is listed amongst them. 

List of countries that have abolished corporal punishment of children 

When you ask most parents in Kenya, how they go about disciplining their children, top of the list is spanking. However if you ask them if they are aware that according to a new law passed in 2010 it is now illegal to spank children, you will be met with a shocked and grim face.

Most Kenyans are religious with majority of these ( 80% according to the  last population census) being Christians and they will always quote the infamous verse “ spare the rod, spoil the child” when confronted with questions on how to discipline children.

It is also not uncommon to hear preachers encouraging their congregations  not to spare the rod when it comes to disciplining children.

Besides this, spanking is part of a culture that has been handed down in the Kenyan society from generations past.

Most adults in Kenya will attest to the fact that they were spanked, and most are convinced it is the reason they turned out as responsible adults and so continue this practice, which is further cemented with a lack of exposure to alternative methods of discipline.

Interestingly research elsewhere, for instance the United States, reveals that adults who were never spanked as kids, do not spank their children either. This brings to mind Marshall Rosenberg (Psychologist and founder of Centre for non-violent communication) famous quote that;

-“Punishment is the root of violence on our planet” .

Or  Haim G. Ginott famously quoted;

“When a child hits a child, we call it aggression
When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility
When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault
When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.”

In 1979, Sweden was the first country in the world to make it against the law to strike children as a measure of discipline. From then on many countries have followed suit in Europe, Americas and Africa, bringing it to a total of 46 countries by January 2015.

Why is the trend to outlaw corporal punishment of children picking up?

Several decades of research (citations below) on the effects of spanking on children, are overwhelmingly clear, that children who are spanked are less emotionally healthy.They are likely to abuse drugs, suffer depression and anxiety.

Children who are spanked are also more likely to hit other children, siblings  and as adults they are more prone to physically abuse their spouses.

Spanking was also shown to affect negatively the relationship of children to their parents.Furthermore spanked children are more susceptible to  mental health problems and aggression.

The only outstanding benefit of spanking seemed to be immediate compliance but this was negated by the fact that spanked children exhibited less compliance in the long term, especially without the watchful eye of an authority figure.

Spanking seems to teach kids that it is okay to hit anyone who upsets them, especially those who are weaker thus encouraging bullying.

What are the Alternative methods of discipline?

Our society today lacks exposure to alternative methods of discipline.Individualism and breakdown of community has left most young parents without guidance and support on family matters. Majority default to what they saw their parents doing without much thought.

With the new laws that have abolished corporal punishment it is imperative that Kenyans are educated on alternative methods of discipline. The responsibility however lies with every parent to be proactive. Parents need to read a lot and research to enable them  identify effective alternatives. The major advantage is that, we live in an information age and if you truly seek the best methods you will definitely come up with something useful.

We should also encourage discussions and have forums where young parents can share their stories on what approach they are using when it comes to  disciplining their children.

Having said that, here are two articles on alternative parenting methods for further reading:

1. Discipline without Distress.
2. 10 ways to teach your child a lesson.

Here are some research on negative effects of spanking:

- Gershoff, E. T. (2013). Spanking and child development: We know enough now to stop hitting our children. Child Development Perspectives, 7 (3), 133-137.

-Gershoff, E. T. (2013). Spanking and child development: We know enough now to stop hitting our children. Child Development Perspectives, 7 (3), 133-137.

Could it be illegal for parents to spank their kids in Kenya?

07:49

Pope Francis Visit To Kenya Confirmed!

Finally, the Vatican has confirmed that Pope Francis will indeed visit Kenya in November. However, the exact dates have not been known. State House Kenya confirmed the historic visit.

This comes after speculations of the papal visit to Kenya during his 2nd visit to Africa. Pope Francis itinerary is expected to cover Uganda, Central African Republic and finally Kenya. This will be the first trip the pontiff will be making to Kenya since he became the Pope. The pope had earlier hinted about this visit when he met catholic priests but he had doubts then “ it is still uncertain, because there are organizational problems” but expressed his wish to include Kenya, but it is now confirmed.

The pope, who has recently shown a lot of support to Africa, now seems to speak in actions. Pope Francis who was elected in 2013 has been in the forefront of encouraging other countries to invest Africa. Recently Kenya was almost taken down to its knees when the Somalia-based terrorists, the Alshabab killed 147 university students in Garissa University College, a constituent college of Moi University. This attack rallied world support to Kenya, which the Pope was personally touched and personally prayed for Kenya, during the Easter Prayers, after the heinous attack. This could be one of the reasons the Holy Father included Kenya in his Africa second visit.

Pope’s visit seems to have been planned not long ago, on April 2015, Kenya Catholic Bishops had visited and held talks with the pope at Vatican, but they only brought goodwill message and greetings from the Pope. This means the Visit to Kenya by the Pope this November is a show of support to the Kenyan citizens and the government.

Kenya seems to have a good year; the world will literally be flying to Kenya. The Former US president Bill Clinton and his daughter have visited Kenya this year, Secretary of state to the US John Kerry visited simultaneously with the former president. On July, Kenya will host again their son, Barrack Obama, the president of USA and Pope Francis will be visiting in November.

Pope’s November Visit will be the first time within the last 20 years for a Catholic Pope to visit. Kenya is lucky to have been visited thrice by Pope John Paul II, the  last time being in 1995 when he visited the East Africa economic hub country.

The actual date will be released later on. A statement from President Uhuru Muigai Kenyatta, a catholic,expressed his anticipation to host the Pope. This comes just months after the beatification of Sister Irene Stefani Nyatha, a catholic nun who served Nyeri residents in Gikondi Village, which was the first beatification in Kenya.

Pope Francis Visit To Kenya Confirmed!

06:42